Down and Out at the Collesium
by Benevolent-Dictator-Kitty
Summary: It's hot, Hercules complains, brawl starts. That is all.


Down and Out at the Coliseum  
  
It was a hot day, the sun had scorched the earth into cracked fissures and the walls shimmered and wobbled like drunken dancers. Hercules flopped back on the steps with a drawn-out groan.  
"Is it ever going to get colder?" he complained, pushing his hands through his curly red/gold hair. There came a soft snort from the pillars behind him and he tipped his head back to look at Cloud. The mercenary was leaning against the pillar, still wearing his mismatched armour plates, his thick jump-suit and ...  
"Don't you ever take that cloak off?" demanded Hercules, feeling sweaty just looking at him. Cloud's smirk was hidden behind the neck of his cloak. "Some hero, can't even take the heat." he pushed a hand through his spiky hair and turned to go. Hercules pulled a face.  
"You're an asshole Cloud." he muttered. Cloud turned his head back, his gleaming blue eyes irritated.  
"Stop complaining, you big baby!" The taunt was so pathetically childish that Hercules had to avenge it with his death if necessary. He surged up and tackled Cloud from behind, the two of them punched and kicked at each other as they rolled down the steps onto the scorching ground. "Take that back you spiky freak!!"  
"Aw, make me!"  
Their squabbling roused Leon, who had been snoozing in his hammock with a red spotted hanky over his face. He lifted the corner of it and watched Hercules and Cloud rolling over and over, hissing and spitting like alley-cats.  
"Hey, keep it down you bums!" he yelled, dropping the corner of the hanky again so he could get back to his siesta. Cloud and Hercules paused mid-scuffle, Hercules on the bottom with the mercenary's hand holding his face.  
"Did he just call us bums?" he queried in a muffled sort of way. Cloud scowled.  
"Hey Squall, your momma blows goats!" he yelled, wrestling Hercules into a headlock and savaging his scalp with his knuckles.  
"Say it!" he demanded. Hercules squealed like a girl as his scalp was brutalised.  
"Your MOMMA!!" he yelled. Cloud was about to be seriously unpleasant and give Hercules his world famous, Savagely Nasty Dutch Rub, when Leon's tackle to his shoulder slammed both him and Hercules onto the ground.  
"What did you say about my mom??" demanded Leon hotly, slamming his elbow into Cloud's package and bruising it on the belts the mercenary was wearing.  
"OW!" he rubbed his elbow ruefully. Cloud and Hercules, pissed that they'd been interrupted, surged up and both of them slammed Leon down.  
"Alright, Squally Wally, PUNISHMENT!" Cloud clonked him on the head with his fist, making Leon yelp,  
"THAT'S LEON, YOU SPIKY-HEADED TWAT!!" Leon objected.  
"Yeah yeah yeah, wedgy!" Hercules grabbed Leon's underwear and hauled it up, making Leon go cross-eyed. The three of them were making so much racket that Yuffie burst out of the lobby, shuriken in hand and searching for the invading army. She pulled a face when she saw Leon, Cloud and Hercules pulling each others hair like schoolgirls.  
"Oh wow, look at the big bad men. My god, such manly fighting, I simply have GOT to have all your babies." She said sarcastically. Leon clawed his way out from under Hercules' knee while the demi-god was taken up with trying to stop Cloud from clawing his eyes out with the gold claws on his left glove.  
"Yuffie!! Help me!" he stretched out his hand imploringly. Cloud grabbed the back of his jacket and yanked him up, using his head to whack Hercules in the face. Yuffie shook her head.  
"Wow, a new spin on the human shield technique. Man, Cloud, you really are such an amazing fighter..." She drawled. Cloud glared at her.  
"Aw, shuddup you piss-annoying little bitch!" he snarled. Hercules took advantage of his distraction and rugby tackled Cloud in the chest, making the mercenary's breath come out in an 'oomph'.  
"'Piss-annoying'? Oh that is IT, I've had it up about here with you lot talking down to me just coz I'm a girl!!" Yuffie ran down the steps and dived into the fray, stepping on Leon's fingers in her haste to ram her knee into the back of Hercules' head.  
"HAH! Take that y'bastahd!" She whooped. Hercules had to stop throttling Cloud so he could turn around and punch Yuffie in the stomach, knocking her back off him. Cloud nursed his throat.  
"You BASTARD, she's just a little girl!" He lunged at Hercules, rolling him over Leon who was sucking on his fingers, flattening him again.  
"AAAAAAH, I CAN FIGHT MY OWN BATTLES YOU SPIKEY JERK!!" screamed Yuffie, diving in again and kicking Cloud in the balls so he curled up with a yelp. Yuffie scrambled over him, her weight on his back pushing him down onto Hercules, who in turn squashed Leon, right at the bottom.  
"HEEEY, let me up! I'm sorry, you own, Cloud, I'm so sorry! I GIVE UP! I GIVE UP!!" Leon was screaming, trying to claw his way free again. Cloud reared up, Yuffie still on his back.  
"Raaaar, my vengeance upon thee!!" He heaved up, making the ninja squeak as she clung on, clonking him on the head with her shuriken.  
"Bad Cloud, very very bad Cloud! Sit! Down! HEEL!" she yelled. Hercules pushed himself up and kicked Cloud's legs out from under him, dumping both he and Yuffie back on the scorching ground.  
"Alright, that's IT!" he yelled, scrambling on top of Cloud and pressing his hands down on his chest so he could squash Yuffie, still clinging to the mercenary's back.  
"Aaaah, Herc, you miserable flea-bitten DOG!!" howled Yuffie, stabbing her fingers into Hercules' eyes so that he pitched back with a yell, falling into Leon who had just managed to pick himself up from the floor. The two of them went down in a tangle of legs and arms and many a curse.  
"Yeah, YUFFIE OWNS!" yelled Yuffie, trying to squirm free of Cloud's weight. He scowled and twisted over, giving her a fiendish grin.  
"Who owns?" He asked. Yuffie stuck her tongue out at him and slapped his cheek.  
"I do!" She insisted. Cloud's mouth was open with shock.  
"You slapped me?? You ... you ... SLAPPER!" He pounced her and started to inflict the most dire attack upon her. Yuffie screamed as Cloud tickled her mercilessly.  
"Nooooooooooo, Leon, save me!!" She shrieked. Leon, who was trying to free his legs from Hercules before he tied them in a reef knot, yelped.  
"Save yourself, bitch!"  
"Ha! I'm winning!!" yelled Hercules happily, twisting Leon's legs in a way that make him scream like a girl ... again.  
"What's going on here?" A calm, disinterested voice from the top of steps to the lobby. All four combatants paused and looked up. Sephiroth stood there, his hands loosely locked behind his back and his aquamarine eyes scanning the scuffle, his one wing snapped out.  
"Who started this?" he asked. Everyone pointed at Cloud, even himself. Sephiroth shook his head, his platinum hair stirring slightly,  
"I'm going to tell Phil about this." he promised, turning to go. Cloud's mouth dropped open.  
"THE GREAT SEPHIROTH IS A TITTLE-TATTLE?!" he shouted after him. Sephiroth stopped and Leon burst into tears.  
"Noooo, make it stop ... I just wanna play with puppies."  
"Oh, you can play with puppies, Squall. PLAY WITH PUPPIES IN HELL!!" Sephiroth laughed maniacally and the others all looked at each other, then by unspoken agreement, they all threw themselves up and tackled him. Cloud, Leon, Hercules, Yuffie and Sephiroth all rolled down the steps with many a yelp and whimper, clawing and spitting like cats. Yuffie jumped onto Sephiroth's back, locking her arms around his wing and biting the knuckle joint of it, getting feathers in her mouth. Hercules and Cloud wrestled Sephiroth's arms back and Leon pinned his chest.  
"Alright, what do we do to grass-ups, gang?" Asked Hercules with an evil grin that made Sephiroth go a bit pale. Leon grinned.  
"We do the Ultra Nasty Combo of Tickle and Dutch Rubbery." He filled in. Sephiroth's eyes widened.  
"No! Not that!! PLEASE!!"  
"Too late, you wanted to dob us into Phil, well now you face the consequences. Cloud, take it away!" Hercules nodded to Cloud, who clicked his fingers and then hauled Sephiroth into a headlock and brutalised his scalp with his knuckles while Leon, Yuffie and Hercules all tickled Sephiroth ruthlessly. The tall soldier was screaming, tears rolling down his cheeks, trying to fight his way free.  
"SAY IT!" yelled Cloud in delight. Sephiroth squealed like a piglet as Yuffie grabbed his ankle, pulled off his boot and tickled his toes.  
"PHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIL! HEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!" he wailed at the top of his voice before Hercules stuffed the end of Cloud's cloak in his mouth.  
But alas, it was too late.  
"WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON HERE!?" The voice of Philetedes rocked the world and the five combatants hurriedly broke apart, scrambling up and trying to look like they hadn't been trying to batter each other into insensibility – though that would have hardly taken any effort.  
"I leave you guys alone for five minutes and you're at each others throats. Herc, you should know better, Yuffie, what's a nice little girl like you doing rough and tumbling with these jerks. Leon, shouldn't you be playing with some puppies or something! Sephiroth, stop stooping to their level you feathered pansy! And Cloud!!" The fat little satyr puffed his way down the steps, his hairy chest gleaming with sweat that rolled off in a little trail of droplets that followed him around. The mercenary looked a bit uncomfortable as he avoided Phil's eyes.  
"STOP MAKING TROUBLE IN MY COLISEUM!! NO ICECREAM FOR ANY OF YOU!!" He bellowed, making the floor shake again. All five of them looked horrified.  
"But Phil-" Started Hercules, looking stricken.  
"NO BUTS! NOW GET IN THERE AND START HELPING ME CLEAN UP!!" Phil looked like he was going to bust an artery. Yuffie put her fists on her hips and stamped her foot,  
"Phil, you are so far out of order you've lapped yourself twice and tied a bow in your hair!" she barked back. Leon wasn't the only person to frown in confusion. Phil stared at Yuffie with an open mouth ...  
"What??" he asked, disbelieving. Yuffie bristled,  
"Don't make me repeat myself, goat-boy! And another thing, I am not a nice little girl! I can rough and tumble with whoever I want, whenever I want!"  
Cloud tapped Hercules on the shoulder and the two of them snuck away while Yuffie was giving Phil a piece of her mind – something she should avoid doing too often, there wasn't all that much to go around as it was.  
They hid around the pillars and slumped against the wall, breathing out slowly with relief.  
"Man, that was close..." Said Hercules. Cloud nodded.  
"That old goat is such a pain in the ass." He grunted. Hercules slid down the wall and listened to Phil and Yuffie yelling at each other.  
"Boy, is it ever hot?"  
"Aw, quit whining about the weather, you skirt-wearing girl!"  
"WHAT!?" and Hercules tackled Cloud, proving that some idiots are doomed to repeat the same mistakes, over and over again.  
  
The End 


End file.
